The world is so incredible,
most things in it are edible
The people most hospitable
The climate most amenable
The daily races most titanic
Flowers from the Adriatic
Strike me as I'm sitting static
A gust of birds in sudden panic
Take me all the way romantic
Volcano top and monkey blanket
Take away my polytechnic
Flashing glowing skies electric
See the mantle
Touch the dove
Watch it resting
In my glove
The worlds my gardener
And I'm the mole
Living sweetly
In my hole
Above a wash
In my motel
I see all this
It suits me well
The drainage pipe
It's not so fine
So this is where
I draw the line
I draw it quick
In inky stick
Connecting dots
With lots of plots
Around the globe
Follow the equator
But don't put that thing
In the refrigerator
I see my mission now
And my plants realize
When my visions dim
I must fertilize
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3 comments:
I love the the verse-
"The worlds my gardener
And I'm the mole
Living sweetly
In my hole"
Works well with the first verse-
as does "Above a wash
In my motel
I see all this
It suits me well"
And some of the verse i enjoy so much for its nonsensical very playful qualities like;-
"Around the globe
Follow the equator
But don't put that thing
In the refrigerator"
I enjoy all of the verses as separate items - but the poem as a whole strikes me as made up to much of individual parts- not yet structured so that they fit as well as they could together as a whole.
I think that'sperfectly correct critique. The parts don't make a cohesive or singular whole but the parts are fun to play with. I only have half a brain, what can I say?
-CC
The daily races most titanic
Flowers from the Adriatic
Strike me as I'm sitting static
A gust of birds in sudden panic
Take me all the way romantic
•
Take away my polytechnic
Flashing glowing skies electric
See the mantle
Touch the dove
Watch it resting
In my glove
This is the part worth salvaging. The imagery is charged and striking, electric like the flashing skies. Being struck by flowers, for instance -- each line wakes the reader to the actuality of the “world” in the title. (The “so” in the title sounds juvenile glib; lose it.)
The rest is abstruse and/or written to serve the rhyme, not whatever it is you’re trying to say. Dots and plots? Too ready at hand to be serious. Realize and fertilize are a more promising conceptual pair, but if there’s something to that, the words should not be just thrown away like that. Difficult to figure out what’s not to go in the fridge.
m|t
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